The Aristocrats

 

This is the unrated version of The Aristocrats DVD review that was originally publised online on the Compressed Data website. The editor asked me to provide a less offensive version for the site, which I gladly did. However, I personally enjoyed my original review of The Aristocrats DVD as it was appropriately as shocking as the film itself, so I've decided to provide the original unrated version for reading on The DVD Itch.

 

The review you are about to read is a creative and outrageous critique that moderately depicts the subject matter contained in the reviewed film. Many readers will be offended by review and, therefore, reader discretion is advised. It is meant to offend, as is the film it is reviewing. But is is also meant to be a creative approach to reviewing a DVD, particularly this DVD. If you have any questions or comments about this review, feel free to email me or leave a comment in the comments section of this post.

 

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have an amazing DVD that you are just gonna love." The agent says, "Sorry, I don't care for DVD’s. I still prefer to use VHS." The father says, "Sir, if you just let us show you this DVD, just give us a chance, I promise you’ll want to buy it." The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

 

So the father begins talking about the DVD. “It’s a documentary about a really dirty joke told in different ways by different comedians.” Meanwhile, the mother presses play on a CD player, which begins playing ‘It’s a Small World After All’ on a loop. Just then, the mother, son and daughter rip off their clothes, their bodies covered scabs and scars, and then they start taking a dump and urinating in the middle of the floor. The dog starts jumping around in excitement. The father continues, “It’s all shot on video so it looks great on DVD, and it comes with a clean 5.1 surround track, even though it is completely useless.” As he says this, the rest of the family continue to make a mess on the floor, adding vomit, stomach bile, puss from some zits, and the daughter’s tears to the mixture.

 

Without breaking concentration, the father carries on. “After watching the film, you’ll want to check out the extras on this disc, just more hilarity!” The mother then adds gasoline to the mess and pulls out a match. The daughter quietly runs up to her mom and asks, “Mommy, can I light it this time?”

 

“Oh, sweetie, you know you’re not allowed to play with matches,” the mother says. “How about you go get Spot with your brother, okay?” The daughter nods in excitement and runs off. As the mother lights the mess on the floor on fire, the father tells the agent about the extras on the DVD. “It has a hilarious commentary, extended and additional footage of the comedians and their version of the joke, a featurette where some of the comedians tell their favourite joke, and an amusing highlight reel,” he says.

 

The father gives the agent a copy of the DVD to examine closer. As this happens, the son and daughter pick up the dog and bring over to the flaming pile of poop, piss, puss, vomit and tears. The mother then says, “Okay, on the count of three… one… two… three!” And then the kids toss the dog into the flaming mess. The dog howls as the family runs in a circle cheering. The father then tells the agent, “To top it off, the DVD comes with a little tribute to Johnny Carson, footage of the winners from an online contest, and some bonus trailers. It’s a lot of great features.”

 

Just then, as the fire dies down a little, the mother, son and daughter jump into the mess and roll around it in, their bodies covered in the steaming mess. Then, the mother grabs a dismembered dog limb not burned up from the fire and begins masturbating with it, while the son and daughter perform oral sex on each other, still rolling around in the steaming mess, which seeps into their wounds. As they finish up, the father finishes with, “Both the film and the features on the DVD are hilarious! I guarantee you’ll be laughing non-stop if you get this DVD!”, at which point the family jumps to the center of the room and shouts “Ta-dah!”

 

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he says, "That's does sounds like an amazing DVD. What’s it called?"

 

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

 

 

Movie:  ***1/2

DVD: ***